With the death of one of the most important bands of my youth, I couldn’t help but start to reflect on my what The White Stripes (TWS) meant, have meant, and still mean to me.
Living in the 'burbs of Detroit, I often have felt like the rise of the White Stripes often carried more bad than good... I mean, even just the controversies involving Jack alone are endless: dating Renee Zellwegger, getting in the car accident, punching Jason Stollsteimer, moving to Nashville, the whole Blanche fiasco, creepily marrying a Tracee-Miller-esque super model, etc etc etc... It all became so very overexposed and silly that, unfortunately, I came to consider the ridiculous myth more than I did the music.
Still, through it all, I was always interested in what TWS were doing, and couldn’t help but feel alternately loyal, angry, betrayed, vengeful, gleeful, obsessed, etc etc whenever a new snippet on the duo came my way. Plus, I was always grappling with my own strange obsession with the inexplicaly foxy man that is Mr. Jack White.
Out of anthropological curiosity, I sieved through my old Livejournal—updated semi-regularly from 2003 until 2009—in order to find some interesting Liza quips through the ages on Jack and Meg. And there was a plethora. I therefore present: The White Stripes (and Jack White's Physical Appearance) Through the Ages, as Narrated Through Liza Dzul Livejournal Entries of Yore
(click after the jump!)
Elephant (2003)
Liza, Age 13
DEC 2003
NOOOO!!
VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER!
ahhh... von bondies' "come on" vs. the white stripes' "air near my fingers" on ppl's choice tonight, in light of the fight.... well, i guess it's more peaceful to fight this way then physical violence... why can't we all just get along!
argh.... two of my favorite bands hate each other...
VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER!
ahhh... von bondies' "come on" vs. the white stripes' "air near my fingers" on ppl's choice tonight, in light of the fight.... well, i guess it's more peaceful to fight this way then physical violence... why can't we all just get along!
argh.... two of my favorite bands hate each other...
But, how can he make a mugshot look so damn nice?
MARCH 2004
I was reading SPIN and the guy was reviewing this big ass festival in New Orleans. Ultimately, the entire article was based around the fact that New Orleans is a huge shithole filled with potheads and crap music festivals, and he started going on about the white stripes' set.
[excerpt from the latest issue of SPIN]
"I'm not sure why they played "Fell in Love with a Girl' three times slower than the version on the radio, but I'm sure Jack had his reasons. I'm guessing the devil made him do it. I'm also guessing he and the devil met later that night for dinner and drinks, because by now I'm pretty sure Lucifer still lives in the French Quarter [a part of New Orleans the festival was thrown in] And even downtown Hell would have to seem nice to somebody from Detroit"
[excerpt from the latest issue of SPIN]
"I'm not sure why they played "Fell in Love with a Girl' three times slower than the version on the radio, but I'm sure Jack had his reasons. I'm guessing the devil made him do it. I'm also guessing he and the devil met later that night for dinner and drinks, because by now I'm pretty sure Lucifer still lives in the French Quarter [a part of New Orleans the festival was thrown in] And even downtown Hell would have to seem nice to somebody from Detroit"
SEP 2004
imagine that.
Liza, Age 14
FEB 2005
the bows on loretta lynn's dress seem to counteract Jack White’s evil gleam by being all "hey now, jack white! if you even attempt to step on me, i will consume you in all the poofy, lavender glory of my expansive dress. pffft".
Get Behind Me Satan (2005)
JUNE 2005
upon watching the blue orchid video (with that video ho'! jack's new wife. whatever her name is. :scowls:), i've decided that jack white would make a very good willy wonka.
MY REASONING:
see, he has the creepy, possibly-insane, probably-going-to-punch-someone, "is he going to eat me?" factor, without seeming like an opium addict with a penchant for pedophilia, as our much beloved j. depp comes across in the new movie previews.
(no, disrespect to j depp, of course. just an observation....)
MY REASONING:
see, he has the creepy, possibly-insane, probably-going-to-punch-someone, "is he going to eat me?" factor, without seeming like an opium addict with a penchant for pedophilia, as our much beloved j. depp comes across in the new movie previews.
(no, disrespect to j depp, of course. just an observation....)
Liza, Age 15
SEP 2005
A few days ago i saw this video where jack white was yelling at some guy in the crowd. he reminded me of a grandmother trying to show up some little boy or something; "awww, do you want to go home to your mommy?" etc etc. it was reeeeeaaaally creepy.
speaking of the jw being creepy, i'm guessing to partner with the fact he comes to resemble michael jackson more and more on a daily basis, the video for "my Doorbell" include hordes of small children.
i definitely don't own the new album, by the way.
DEC 2005
"JACK White [of the White Stripes] has just written a song for Coca-Cola. End of. He ceases to be in the club. And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts"
-Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher
MAY 2006
FOR GOD SAKES, JACK WHITE- WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?
MAY 2006
Jack White's 12 Steps to Recovery
1) wash your hair.- do you really want to look like that one guy from o-town?
2) write better songs.- your band definitely has the potential to be good. for all i know, it is good. except, if the latter is true then you need to pick better singles, so the rest of america and i are not put under the impression that your new band is terrible. just a heads up.
3) realize "detroit" doesn't care if you hate it. furthermore, realize "detroit" isn't some singular person or deity who you can pin down and put the blame on. you're just making things worse for yourself with all the trash talking.
4) don't make coke commercials.
5) don't fail at selling out.- if you make coke commercials, at least write a good song for it and make sure the visuals that go along with it are innovative (see: karen o, nike commercial) instead of stupid (see: the piece of shit you made)
6) tits out!- hey, remember being attractive? that was a good time.
7) red, white, and ... taupe?- your wardrobe! your wardrobe! your completely and utterly ridiculous wardrobe that i secretly coveted! the two-colored-pants'-legs and red and white polka dotted shirt! the mariachi hat and the red shirts that were so overly tight that they were almost vulgar! wholda thought that i would miss them all so terribly? sure, the white always looked more yellow-y brown (eww) than anything, and the red washed your complexion out completely, but the look was really working for you in a inexplicable way. you really should have continued with it. all this flannel in dreary shades of brown and blue is just disappointing.
8) stop contradicting yourself.- you write these huge diatribes against anything and everything modern (like computers and cellphones, to name a few) and then the next day you're like, "oh wait, actually i didn't mean that at all. obviously you common thinkers are too small minded to realize you were misinterpreting me when i said, 'you all should go die'" etc etc
9) continue not having facial hair.- this isn't so much advice as it is a command.
10) leave the bitch.- i know leaving the woman who just had your child isn't exactly ethical, and as a woman i definitely shouldn't encourage you to be a deadbeat dad (on top of being a dead beat everything else), but if i prefer renee zellwegger to this chick than obviously something is terribly, terribly wrong. also: a canoe in brazil? wtf?
11) COME BAAAAAACK!- alright, you don't have to move back to detroit per se, but... come on, man: how can you raise your kid in nashville? do you honestly want her to have an unfortunate accent and an affinity for modern country music? toby keith will be her johnny cash. faith hill will be her lorreta lynn. think of the children!
12) remember the little people.- more than anyone else: meg white really needs you. the longer you're absent from her life, the more people will realize that having giant breasts doesn't constitute as talent, and then what is she supposed to do? join the von bondies? no, jack white. there are already enough ex-girlfriends of your's in that band to populate a small nation. you need to help meg. as her former bandmate/divorcee/"brother", it's your moral obligation to stick around and make her feel like she has a purpose... even if that purpose is to sit in back of you and distract everyone from your unflattering everything-that-you-wear (including hair) with her giant, bouncing bosom. i mean, drumming.
1) wash your hair.- do you really want to look like that one guy from o-town?
2) write better songs.- your band definitely has the potential to be good. for all i know, it is good. except, if the latter is true then you need to pick better singles, so the rest of america and i are not put under the impression that your new band is terrible. just a heads up.
3) realize "detroit" doesn't care if you hate it. furthermore, realize "detroit" isn't some singular person or deity who you can pin down and put the blame on. you're just making things worse for yourself with all the trash talking.
4) don't make coke commercials.
5) don't fail at selling out.- if you make coke commercials, at least write a good song for it and make sure the visuals that go along with it are innovative (see: karen o, nike commercial) instead of stupid (see: the piece of shit you made)
6) tits out!- hey, remember being attractive? that was a good time.
7) red, white, and ... taupe?- your wardrobe! your wardrobe! your completely and utterly ridiculous wardrobe that i secretly coveted! the two-colored-pants'-legs and red and white polka dotted shirt! the mariachi hat and the red shirts that were so overly tight that they were almost vulgar! wholda thought that i would miss them all so terribly? sure, the white always looked more yellow-y brown (eww) than anything, and the red washed your complexion out completely, but the look was really working for you in a inexplicable way. you really should have continued with it. all this flannel in dreary shades of brown and blue is just disappointing.
8) stop contradicting yourself.- you write these huge diatribes against anything and everything modern (like computers and cellphones, to name a few) and then the next day you're like, "oh wait, actually i didn't mean that at all. obviously you common thinkers are too small minded to realize you were misinterpreting me when i said, 'you all should go die'" etc etc
9) continue not having facial hair.- this isn't so much advice as it is a command.
10) leave the bitch.- i know leaving the woman who just had your child isn't exactly ethical, and as a woman i definitely shouldn't encourage you to be a deadbeat dad (on top of being a dead beat everything else), but if i prefer renee zellwegger to this chick than obviously something is terribly, terribly wrong. also: a canoe in brazil? wtf?
11) COME BAAAAAACK!- alright, you don't have to move back to detroit per se, but... come on, man: how can you raise your kid in nashville? do you honestly want her to have an unfortunate accent and an affinity for modern country music? toby keith will be her johnny cash. faith hill will be her lorreta lynn. think of the children!
12) remember the little people.- more than anyone else: meg white really needs you. the longer you're absent from her life, the more people will realize that having giant breasts doesn't constitute as talent, and then what is she supposed to do? join the von bondies? no, jack white. there are already enough ex-girlfriends of your's in that band to populate a small nation. you need to help meg. as her former bandmate/divorcee/"brother", it's your moral obligation to stick around and make her feel like she has a purpose... even if that purpose is to sit in back of you and distract everyone from your unflattering everything-that-you-wear (including hair) with her giant, bouncing bosom. i mean, drumming.
Liza, Age 16
NOV 2006
(from a survey)
5. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
jack white?
jack white?
Icky Thump (2007)
Liza, Age 17
NOV 2007
[Description of an elaborate dream]
in back of us there's no more than 3 people. one guy has this liberacci-eque suit/costume on, and this huge sign in back of him that's like "FERNANDOOOO, THE WORLD'S GREATEST ENTERTAINER." and then, sitting 4 or 5 empty seats away from him is....
JACK WHITE. (YEAH. I KNOW.)
he's wearing all red and this creepy make up. in fact, here's a little visual for you (made with my extreme skills in microsoft paint):
JACK WHITE. (YEAH. I KNOW.)
he's wearing all red and this creepy make up. in fact, here's a little visual for you (made with my extreme skills in microsoft paint):
so, despite the kabuki makeup, i remain undeterred. so i'm like "O-M-G. JACK WHITE. HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU AWARE YOU OWN THE WORLD? ARE YOU?! ARRREEE YOOUUUUU?!" and he responds, but to the best of my knowledge it's something like "of course. now turn on back around, you common person." and walks out. (fuck yes for liza's subconcious, elitist scenester, jack white perception)
JUNE 2008
as much as i have always had a special place in my heart and/or amygdala for jack white over the past many years i have kind of, dare i say it, lost interest. though i suspect jack white leaving detroit and marrying some emaciated supermodel chick (who conveniently/unsettlingly works into his color scheme?) as well as a sense of my own creeping maturity somehow contributed to the slack, i honestly feel like it happened unconsciously; not out of resentment or anything but more of a "not enough room in my mind for the unnecessary" kind of way. anyway.
about a month and a half ago i had this dream where jack white was hanging around the stairwell of the grosse pointe academy. there wasn't really a reason for his presence other than my subconscious wanting to give me some eye candy in my slumbers, but it was random as hell considering my aforementioned jack-white-apathy.
about a month and a half ago i had this dream where jack white was hanging around the stairwell of the grosse pointe academy. there wasn't really a reason for his presence other than my subconscious wanting to give me some eye candy in my slumbers, but it was random as hell considering my aforementioned jack-white-apathy.
[giant narrative about going to a Raconteurs concert]
when they started the encore, meg and jack walked out and everyone had a meltdown. meg sat at the drum kit and was like "hah hah toying with liza's heart" and then walked off in a hilarious joke for the kids which just solidified my theory that meg white is secretly a huge tease. hee hee.
anyway! i probably still won't keep up with the raconteurs. it's just not my sound. but i have become resigned to the fact that, no matter what distance and age gap and emaciated models come between us, i will always lust for jack white.
am i proud of it? not really. but we all have our flaws.
am i proud of it? not really. but we all have our flaws.
JULY 2008
That said, now I want to go fish for some rockbass.
Liza, Age 18
DEC 2008
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"meg white, you're alright. fact i think you're pretty swell, can't you tell?"
"meg white, you're alright. fact i think you're pretty swell, can't you tell?"
JAN 2009
jack white is always and forever numero uno, even if he is crazy and i hate his new band(s) a lot.
MARCH 2009
what one earth is this dead weather business?
i mean, why would you ever put that foxy jack white at the back of the stage behind the drumkit? i know he has talents, but, i mean, what a waste... waste! Clearly he is meant to stare at Meg White in yearning and sweat a lot, not bang on some drums as that bitch from the Kills moans into her mike.
I bet i will barely half-enjoy them just like i barely half-enjoy all other jack white musical endeavors post-2003.
Under Great White Northern Lights (2010)
And that is that.
fave? "hey, remember being attractive? that was a good time."
ReplyDeleteliza through the years...
(lol @ her thinking she's straight for jack white)
i used to think i was in to dana scully but then quickly realized that they were just my repressed feelings for fox mulder
awwwwwwwwwwwwww remember when we went to the raconteurs concert! wait this is like the best/also sorta chronicals our friendship/your insanity that was awesome in high school
ReplyDeleteps this is katie t again