Most wine tastes horrible, let’s just put that out there.
I am acutely aware of the many many wine snobs who will disagree with me on this point. I mean, my uncle is a former president of the OWLS: The Ogden Wine Lovers Society (... yeah, it exists). My parents, somehow defying the basic laws of Slavic-ness, shun hard alcohol for the nightly classy, over-priced and, most confounding of all, “dry” glass of wine.
Yet, this phenomenon of purist-wine-loving has always evaded me. I mean, alcohol tastes horrible, so you cover up the taste, right? As much sugar as possible, right?? RIGHT??!?!
According to Spain, the clear answer is: Right!!!
More fun wine facts after the jump.
The Inevitably Carlo-Rossi-esque Wine with Lunch
Menu del Dias are the best thing ever about Spain: wine, bread, first course, second course, and dessert, all for a set price around 7-10 euro. Great deals! (Thanks, Franco!!!)
Of course, because you are getting that glass of wine for “free,” rest assured that they will serve you the absolutely cheapest bottle in their possession. Frankly, be relieved if your wine even comes from a bottle! I would guess 50% of lunch wines I’ve experienced are either boxed Don Simon or somehow-cheaper-than-the-50-cents-boxed-Don-Simon-costs generic Don Simon derivatives... and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Just so you know: siesta exists so as to sleep off the paint-thinner wine they serve you with lunch. CRrRrRrunk after one glass of wine? I’ll take it.
I was first lead to believe that kalimotxo is simply red wine and Coke. This is half true, and this sort of kalimotxo is great, don’t get me wrong—I often make them with dinner, because I am a classy broad, after all.
Fun fact: This sort of kalimotxo is the official drink of the "heavies" at the great Spanish tradition, el botellón (which is, of course, illegal in Catalonia, haters!)
To attempt to create an analogy to American culture: imagine a kalimotxo as the cigarettes quasi-goth burnout 6th graders smoke in the janitor's closet of their middle school—at the time ~**~cool~**~~, but retrospectively-pathetic youth rebellion.
That said, with this analogy, you also need the context that 60-70% of the population from the ages 16-35 is indeed just these sort of quasi-goth burnouts, all of whom don't move out of the house until they're 30... Spain, people. Spain.
That said, with this analogy, you also need the context that 60-70% of the population from the ages 16-35 is indeed just these sort of quasi-goth burnouts, all of whom don't move out of the house until they're 30... Spain, people. Spain.
Anyway! It is true that the cola-and-wine brand of kalimotxo is preferred by Korn-sweatshirt-wearing, street-drinking-is-so-rebellious-yes-oh-yes-oh-why-don't-my-parents-love-me? angsty Spanish teens/30 year-olds, BUT!!!! if you get one in a bar they often take it one step further!!!
In Madrid I experienced a major revelation: the addition of cherry syrup! It’s like a Roy Rogers + wine. Thanks, trashy gay bar!
In Madrid I experienced a major revelation: the addition of cherry syrup! It’s like a Roy Rogers + wine. Thanks, trashy gay bar!
Of course, when one consumes a XXL Calimotxo (that cost 4 euro, ohh yeah), you will be fooled into believing that you are drinking a great mocktail of your childhood when in truth your blood-alcohol level is slowly but surely spiking—leading to the wacky wacky feeling pictured above! ... Oops. No regrets, no regrets.
Tinto de Verano
Literally “red wine of the summer.” It is essentially wine and orange soda, served in a beer stein, and daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn is it delicious.
Due to the essential trashiness of this drink (see a theme here?), the places that serve it also have the best and, yes, cheapest deals ever.
Example: 100 Montaditos. This wonderful Spanish chain restaurant (that doesn’t exist in Barcelona, boo hiss) has hundreds of 1 euro tiny sandwiches and 1.50 euro giant steins of beer and tinto de verano!
What’s better, on Wednesdays all steins are 1 euro!!! WAT. Never have I seen such an apt motto for a restaurant: “¡¡Esto es de locos!!" (rough translation = "These people must be crazy!")
Example: 100 Montaditos. This wonderful Spanish chain restaurant (that doesn’t exist in Barcelona, boo hiss) has hundreds of 1 euro tiny sandwiches and 1.50 euro giant steins of beer and tinto de verano!
What’s better, on Wednesdays all steins are 1 euro!!! WAT. Never have I seen such an apt motto for a restaurant: “¡¡Esto es de locos!!" (rough translation = "These people must be crazy!")
Also, at a bar in Chueca—wonderful Madrid gay-borhood—our 3 euro tinto-de-verano-steins came with 2 giant free plates of fried food!!!!!! And, yes, due to my prior consumption of that XXL kalimotxo, let's just say I may have stumbled down some steps when they handed me my very-unexpected free plates of food. A heh heh.
In conclusion, all I can say is that Spain, and Madrid especially, has great ideas about wine. Namely: dilute that shit, then pair it with free food. Ohh yeahhh.
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