bitch, please: My evening in bunnies.

As I waited for Ellin to come get me, I had quality bonding time with kicha!!!!!!!! Significant event, guys, I'm serious!!!

For the purpose of full disclosure: we are actually not as big of bros as the above kitty and rabbit, but, you know, she will let me pet her sometimes, as long as I don't attempt to pick her up and/or chase her around the Christmas tree... and I comply. I am putty in her tiny paws.

Then Ellin arrived! And so...

After that prominent moment in my life, I went with Ellin to go see Black Swan.

What can I say that hasn't been said? Portman was being a Portman: every bone visible, every gasp—of which there were roughly a billion—audible.

It was really was not as scary as I expected... For most of the film, the particular brand of body horror seemed to entail a lot of bloody fingernails and toes, which is actually NBD compared to what it could be (see: Jeff Goldblum as giant poop-muscle-carnivorous-vagina-monster-fly-thing in The Fly), srsly.

Let's be real: NP's nails falling off and rash-thing were significantly less disturbing than a) her psychopathic mom, b) her zut-alors-sexual-harassment-what-izz-dat?? french ballet director, and/or c) the grossly protruding rib cage on her 85-pound frame. Real talk.

Re: C) - I guess that level of painfully anorexic is true of many ballet dancers, but, seriously, nothing ruins a good lady-on-lady sex scene like disturbingly sharp shoulder blades (accentuated with creepy wing tattoos, no less) as the focal point of the entire scene. Thanks for nothin', Aronofsky.

(On that note, shout out to my homegirl/compatriot, Mila Kunis. Making the homeland proud. Further evidence that Ukrainian (quasi-?)lesbians will one day rise against the oppressive dynasty of Cholodenko!!! Suck it.)

Finally: as for the scene in which she masturbates on her bed... It's 5 minutes of her lying on her stomach gyrating violently. I mean, really? Who does it like that? Seriously, of any gender? Wouldn't your hand fall asleep?? To me it looked more like an ab workout and less like anything vaguely pleasurable. I know the director staged this shot to seem super-extra intense, and therefore her humping of the bed seemed necessary, but it was toooooooooo much. Of course, the whole time the wonderfully/typically skeptical Detroit audience around me was just like, "LOL WUT, that does not work, bro. LOL LOL." I'm still perplexed. Aronofsky, you are a silly man.

So, yes, in short, I liked it. And also now have extra motivation to not live with my mother until I am 28, jesus.

And then...