Evening Elevator Encounter, or also: Channing Tatum Just Killed Me

Last week, I moved to Morningside Heights, the 'hood around Columbia University in NYC.

Now, one central thing about NYC livin': elevators are a big deal.

In fact, no matter where you live/work/eat, at some point each day as an NYC-dweller you will likely spend 3-5 minutes of your life awkwardly avoiding eye contact with a group of also-avoiding-eye-contact humans in a rapidly ascending steel box.

99% of the time, your rapidly-ascending-box-mates will get the memo and srsly avoid interacting with you, because they are, like you, normal people.

But every once in a while, you have to share the eerie metallic elevator space with someone who has just straight up forgotten how to be.

Tonight was such a night.

(more after the jump!)




Disclaimer: Being a super cool person,  I decided to do my laundry on a Saturday night. A girl's gotta smell nice and look fresh, aight?

So, unshowered, acne-ridden, and wearing some truly bottom of the barrel laundry-day clothes, I went to lug my giant hamper into the elevator.

To give you an idea, I look(ed) something like this, except 3-D and oilier.

UChicago-ness doesn't translate as well in the big city, clearly.

As the elevator went down, it stopped at the 5th floor. At this point, not gonna lie, I expected to see some super hip Columbia U kids in Am Appy lace bodysuits heading out to da cluhh. Indeed, part of me internally worried that these imaginary CU club hoppers would judge my awesome Saturday night laundry activities and cool outfit/hair/skin-oil level.

However, rather than encountering a group of party-hardy youth, I looked up only to see a lone CU bro enter the elevator. Perhaps notably, he vaguely resembled Channing Tatum, in that way that all upper-middle-class white athlete bros kinda sorta resemble Channing Tatum.

So, to give you a true-to-life rendering, the elevator contents went something like this:

Note: my cool HUM-loving reading material. 

Also note: his penchant for undershirts and passion for not having a well-defined neck/head divide

The generally understand mathematics of social activity would suggest that Channing-Tatum-bro would stand strong and silent for our two minute descent, then stroll out of there when the doors opened, athletic shorts billowing in the doorman-fan-induced wind.

AND YET, to my incredible horror, 5 to 10 seconds after entering the elevator Channing-Tatum-bro immediately turned to me and tried to make aggressive eye contact--as if he knew who I was (which he didn't).

Worse yet, he dramatically leaned over from the opposite corner of the already-small elevator, in order to do one of those awkward, hitting-on-women wall-lean deals that bros stereotypically are supposed to do and yet I have never actually seen anyone do in real life who is a real actual person.

It's hard to describe, but essentially this.

... Except replace smiling, totally-into-it ladyfriend with bitchface Mcgee Liza D!

At this point, I am actually in deep fear and thus I decidedly and hopelessly try to avoid his glance despite the fact that he has a) completely invaded my personal space, b) pretty much barred me into the corner of the elevator in the least subtle way possible, c) made me want to vomit on his face.

Not to be discouraged by my clear lack of interest and also terror and also chronic bitchface, the following dialogue ensued:

Channing Tatum Bro (CTB): Hey you. Did you just graduate?

Bitchface Youdon'tknowmelikethat Liza (BYL): 
Umm..


 [mumble mumble] 

... I ... don't go here  

[Please note ASAP that I am clearly glaring at the ground and generally giving off clear signs of no desire to chat] 

CTB: Well, your necklace [points to my def-not-a-necklace key lanyard] says UCHICAGO 2012 on it so I see you're class of '12, so you must have just graduated. 

BYL: um...

[srsly I hate you go away]

yeah.

CTB: Cool, what did you major in?

BYL: 


... Um

[MAKE THIS END]

[WAIT, AM I IN AN ACTUAL FEATURE! A FEATURE STARRING CHANNING TATUM! A FEATURE STARRING CHANNING TATUM ABOUT GOING TO COLLEGE! AND HAVING PEOPLE ASK YOU THIS! BECAUSE IT'S SUCH A STEREOTYPICAL QUESTION! A QUESTION THAT ONLY A STEREOTYPICAL CHANNING TATUM BRO WOULD ASK! OR IS THIS ACTUALLY ACTUALLY ACTUALLY REAL?] 

... political science 

[This is not true] 

[Not going to give you any identifiable details about me, d00d] 

CTB: Wow, cool, ME TOO. 

[SURPRISE SURPRISE TELLMEMOREI'MSOINTERESTED]

[10 bucks he minored in sports medicine.]

... 

[long pause] 

BYL: 
[false hope this convo. is over]

CTB:... soooooo University of Chicago, that's a good school! You have to be really smart to go there. 

[dramatic pause #2]

Sooooo, you must be... smart.

BYL: 
... 
Ha. ha? ha? 


...
ha. ha?

CTB: And your face don't hurt to look at, neither. 

CTB: [winks]

And then the conversation had to end because I had rapidly collapsed into a heap and died.