The Stupidest People in NYC: Alternative Means of Transport Edition

For all of the fashionable, beautiful, and/or rich people in NYC, there is also a contingent of the population composed solely of dumb fools—and dumb fools with a death wish, at that.

Walking to work in the 4^th Ring O’ Hell (= intersection of Houston and Broadway in Soho) I see endless throngs of the stupidest people attempt the dumbest forms of transport imaginable on a daily basis.

An overview of Manhattanites with the least-thought-out Death Wish, after the jump.



Bikers

Disclaimer: I do not hate all urban cyclists. In fact, in Chicago I regularly bike around town.

It may be my very familiarity with urban biking that makes me truly despise Manhattan cyclists, into my deepest core of being.

Now, if I were to bike in the most bustling, traffic-y, death-trap-y area in the United States, I would be cautious as hell. I’m talking knee pads, shoulder pads, giant bubble—you name it. Also,  I would travel only on abandoned side streets (if those exist), and I would make sure to stay in marked bike lanes.

Manhattan cylicists seem to think otherwise.


 In my time in Worst Intersection Ever in Soho, I have seen these truly frighteningly dumb cyclists cut off taxi drivers, swerve into traffic, run red lights, stop in the middle of the intersection, and other dumb shit that truly makes my blood boil. Your very sport is a risk in Manhattan—why top it off with idiotically reckless behavior??????? Why, Manhattan bikers, WHY?


Interestingly, as far as I have seen in my two months in Manhattan, NYC cyclists consist of the following:

-60% delivery people with no fear of death

-30% self-righteous bros who think successfully almost killing themselves at every intersection will affirm their masculinity

-9% stupid, stupid bitches.

-1% Anderson Cooper

Skateboarders


Unlike cyclists—who, as I mentioned, are mostly just delivery men with an actual job—skateboarders of Soho have NO POINT WHATSOEVER

Remember what I said about how I would act if biking in Manhattan?

Times that sense of fear times a million, wrap it into “The amount of momentum you have relative to all vehicles around you = prepare to be flattened” then magnify it by the fact you are in the WORST INTERSECTION EVER (srsly) and you will still not understand just how much fear of god I feel observing the skateboarders of Soho.

WHY?

Even worse, they tend to travel in groups of 3+. Maybe this is a safety measure(?) but, no, it’s actually just a douchie-ness-solidarity measure.

Now, honestly, I am not a skateboard hater. I am from the Midwest, I understand the typical Middle Schoolers unending need to wear rainbow wristbands and listen to Simple Plan while attempting to use a longboard.

But Manhattan skateboarders are not “skateboarders” as one would stereotype them.

Example: One time, walking home at 6 PM on a Friday, I observed in disgust as a group of eight or nine rich hipster bros rolled through the middle of Houston Street as a giant, angry wasps’ nest of honking taxis trolled behind them.

Two of these dudes were wearing Lacoste polos. Three has on Sperrys. 100% would have fit it on a Nantucket Sailboat. That’s right, WASP-y, skateboarding douchebags. 


Soho officially upgraded from 4^th to 5^th circle of hell; Skateboarders officially upgraded from stupid to dangerously douchey.

?????? Segway ??????????

Friday, as I wandered down Bleecker St. In Greenwich Village, I encountered a truly baffling sight: a 20-ish dude, speeding through the bike lane on a segway.

In Chicago, I associate Segways with the highly unfortunate, orange-safety-vested, tourist Segway tours of Grant Park.

Alas, this was a different sort of segway rider. This dude was not a tourist from Southern Illinois, nor an unfortunate Segway policeman, nor outwardly too crazy and old to care.

He was just a dude. On a Segway. In Greenwich Village.

Other than the Guy With Cat On His Head In Soho experience of June 2011, I honestly cannot think of another time where I was so baffled by something on the street.

 I mean, this morning I literally walked past a guy having  a seizure outside of Starbucks, and I didn’t even flinch. But one look at Segway man? LIZA FROZEN IN AW/HORROR/SHOCK/REPULSION/FASCINATION.

Not the guy, I was too shocked to take a photo. Though it is baffling that there is >1 bro on a segway in NYC...?

Honestly, I’m left so confused—to this moment—that I can’t even hate Segway man.

I can only wonder what the hell is going on in that bro’s head... and where/how/why on earth he stores his Segway in downtown Manhattan?????


Mysteries of life; idiots of transport.