Creepin Creepin Creepin on Celebs

Yes, I admit: I enjoy celebrity sightings.

To begin, I am from the Midwest. Specifically, Michigan. Do you know how many celebs live in Michigan? Answer: Kid Rock and some people that play sports and therefore are not actually famous. That's it. Everyone else left.

Due to the scarcity of famous people, us Michiganders take what we can get--i.e. local weathercaster Jerry Hodak is like, the man.

 (Bitches weep at this old dude's feet)

Unlike the Mitten, NYC has a lot of rich famous people who can actually afford rent in Manhattan. Sometimes I encounter them. And I think I have a seemingly-non-stalker-ish, actually-quite-stalker-ish system that works pretty well. Read after the jump...

HOW TO CREEP ON A CELEB WITHOUT REALLY TRYING 

(but, yeah--you were kind of trying. Aaaaadmit iiiit!)

1) Opt for an extreme lack of pickiness about the definition of "celebrity." 


Basically, if you recognize someone on the street and you have never met them before or spoken with them before, they are famous, period.

In my career as a celeb-watcher, I have encountered Best Week Ever comedians, former contestants on America's Next Top Model, and pop photography muses. Oh, and some girl from "Pretty Little Liars."

 Like I said: keep it flexible. Your friends may not have any idea why/who/what you are so excited about when you tell them about seeing Naima from ANTM in Soho, but, seriously--who needs their validation?

GODDAMNIT, IT WAS AWESOME.

2) Constantly scan the crowd/people around you. 

And when I say "around" I don't mean all the pretty pretty buildings and shit--no, I mean the people: the people amongst whom there are maybe maybe maybe some celebs.

This can be a little distracting, especially if you are walking with another person with whom you are expected to converse vs. constantly scan around your 360 degree perimeter. Still, don't let social mores stop you, friend--keep an open eye!

Besides, if you look at the not-people all you will see is architecture and other crap. Who needs that?

3) When you are on your celeb-spotting mission, do not get distracted by the endless poseurs.

NYC = home of people who dress ridiculously so that people look at them and think they are famous when they are not. This happens to me minimum 20 times a day.

Actually, I would be over-joyed to encounter a Real Housewife--let's get real.

See, one can easily be duped into staring at the crazy bitch with fire engine red hair wearing steampunk goggles (it happened) rather than the sunglasses-and-black-hoodie wearing Emma Roberts walking 5-feet-next to them (also happened).

Do not be fooled!!! Constant vigilance!!!

4) Avoid busy streets at peak hours. 

Your best bet is to aim for the quiet side streets in celeb-filled neighborhoods at non-peak hours.

As mentioned, only crazy steampunk hos walk down Houston street in Soho at noon. Do you think Julia Roberts really really wants to go Uniqlo??? FALSE.

If you really want to encounter a celeb, you have to (ironically, I know) go where they would go in order to not encounter creepers like you (Fools!!!!!!!!) at quiet times of day/night.

As an example: on the Sunday of 4th of July, my friend Jacky and I are walking to a bar in West Village and we had an amazing celeb encounter.

For those unaware, the lower West Side West is the location of a ridiculously large amount of hip, rich-as-hell  celebs. Celebs enjoy this place because it is quiet and hip in that "oooOOooOh look at that Burberry store next to a gourmet popsicle place next to a Marc Jacobs Bookstore OOooOoOOOOh"-way. Like, hip-ness either your daddy is paying for or you are paying for with your money from all those made-for-TV movies, Olsen Twins.

Anywho, as I mentioned, it was Monday night--not peak hours. Jacky and I were walking on the weird rogue part of 4th street that intersects with other streets (!??!!?!? WTF?!?!) and has only precious basement bars and a few restaurants and lots of row houses.

As we walk down a random, empty part of this street... AZIZ ANSARI EXITS ONE OF THOSE PREVIOUS BASEMENT BARS.

... and my heart collapsed. Thanks, empty West Village street at midnight on a Monday!!!!!!


5) Expect the unexpected.

Celebs appear when you are not looking for them, it is a fact. The key is to be a little bit vigilant even when you are tired and hungry and seeing a random contestant from The Mole isn't that important to you, at all.

For instance, last week I was walking home from the F Stop at West 4th to my dorm on Washington Square Park (= da bomb location, btw) around midnight on a Friday.

 I was about 1 1/2 blocks from my place when from afar I see a man wearing a seersucker suit, sporting a fashionable blonde bob. And then it clicked: ridic hair cut, tall-ness, skinniness, ridic outfit, West Village hip-ness, RUN LIZA DZUL RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Oh hey.

And, yes, I literally ran into traffic and up to the back of person-who-I-thought-was-Wes Anderson's head.

To set the scene: I had just made a giant ruckus by running into traffic, inciting car honking, flailing my arms as I ran (I am a graceful dove!!!), then running up into the uncomfortably-close proximity of one of my fave celebs ever. Therefore, as I approached, Wes Anderson turned to give me a weird look like, "Street person, GIVE ME SPACE."

Plus side: 1) True confirmation that it was Wes Anderson!! (internal monologue: "HAI WES ANDERSON'S FACE!!!!!!!!!")!!!!! 2) I realized that his walking buddy was none other than Noah Baumbach (internal monologue: "THIS CAN'T BE REAL IT IS REAL IT CAN'T BE REAL IT IS REAL!?!?!")!!!!!!! 3) SO CLOSE TO CELEBS OMG OMG (internal monologue: self-explanatory).

Downside: it was all eight different kinds of not-subtle.

Therefore, running from the shadow of Wes Anderson's stink eye, I "tactfully" "crossed the street" in "shame" (= JUBILATION) and then followed the pair for like 20 seconds before entering my dorm.

Celeb-sighting-Christmas.

To this moment, I have many questions. How did I know that random man in the ridic outfit was not another street crazy looking for attention? How did I run into traffic and not get hit by a taxi (right of way, hollah)? HOW DID I NOT TOUCH HIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR?!?!?!?!?

All I can say is that I am a lucky lass, and pretty much the only thing that could top this particular sighting is like, Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow and Jack White all hanging out. Or making out. One of those.